Cultural Etiquette Guide

Japan Cultural Etiquette Guide: Tokyo & Kyoto, Late November

You're starting from a strong position. You already know shoes-off customs, temple etiquette, respect for elders, and the rule against sticking chopsticks upright in rice. Most of Japanese etiquette will feel like a stricter, quieter version of what you grew up with. Your sister is also your best resource: she knows her in-laws, so check the family-specific points below with her.

How strict is each custom?

• 🔴 Strong norm. Breaking it causes real discomfort or offense.
• 🟡 Moderate. People will notice, but they'll forgive a foreigner.
• ⚪ Minor preference. Nice to know. Few will care.

⚠️ First, One Important Logistics Flag: Sumo

There is no sumo tournament in Tokyo in late November. Tokyo's tournaments at Ryōgoku Kokugikan run in January, May, and September. The November tournament (Kyushu Basho) is held in Fukuoka. It usually runs for about two weeks starting in the second week of November, so it may be over by the time you arrive. Your options:

• Watch a morning practice (asa-geiko) at a sumo stable in Ryōgoku. Many stables now require booking through a tour operator. The rules are strict: stay silent, no flash, don't move around, and don't eat.
• Visit the Sumo Museum at Kokugikan. It's free, but check the opening days.
• Check the official Japan Sumo Association schedule for any exhibition events. Book only through official or reputable sellers.

1. Social Etiquette

Greetings

• Bowing is the default 🔴. Match the depth to the situation:
  • About 15° (a nod): shop staff, neighbors, casual thanks.
  • About 30°: use this for your sister's in-laws at the first meeting.
  • About 45°: deep gratitude or apology. Save it for special moments.
• How to bow: bend at the waist with your back straight and eyes down. Keep your hands at your sides, or lightly folded in front (common for women).
• Vietnamese habit to adjust: don't do the arms-crossed bow (khoanh tay) Vietnamese kids learn. In Japan, a crossed-arm "X" means "no / not allowed."
• Handshakes: some Japanese people will offer one to a foreigner. Accept it with a light grip and a small bow. Don't initiate a handshake with the elders ⚪.
• Hugs and cheek kisses: not done 🔴, especially with the in-laws. Hugging your sister at the airport is fine.
• Names: use surname + "san" (e.g., Tanaka-san). Never add "san" to your own name.
  • Ask your sister what to call her in-laws. "Otōsan/Okāsan" (Father/Mother) may be welcomed or may feel too familiar. It depends on the family.

Personal Space, Eye Contact, Touch

• Eye contact: softer than in the U.S. Look at people, but don't hold a steady gaze, especially with elders 🟡.
• Touching: no back-slaps, shoulder touches, or arm grabs with people you don't know well 🟡.
• Crowds: trains are packed, but people stay silent and look straight ahead.

Gift-Giving (Omiyage): Your Big Moment

Bringing gifts is expected, not optional 🔴.

• What to bring: something from California, nicely packaged. Food that can be shared works best. Good choices:
  • See's Candies
  • California almonds or pistachios
  • A quality California wine, if the family drinks
  • Specialty coffee or chocolate
• Customs warning: Japan bans fresh fruit, meat products (including beef jerky and some snacks containing meat), and some plant products. Stick to sealed, commercially packaged goods.
• Who gets gifts:
  • A main gift for the in-laws
  • A separate gift for your sister's household
  • Something small for any kids
  • A few spare small gifts, in case you meet other relatives
• Avoid:
  • Sets of 4 (shi sounds like "death") or 9 (ku sounds like "suffering") 🟡
  • White flowers and chrysanthemums (used at funerals) 🔴
  • Knives or scissors (they symbolize "cutting ties") 🟡
• How to give:
  • Present the gift with both hands and a small bow, and say "Dōzo" ("Please, go ahead").
  • The traditional phrase "Tsumaranai mono desu ga…" ("It's just a small thing…") is a bit old-fashioned. "Kokoro bakari desu ga…" ("It's just a small token of my feelings") is warmer.
  • Give gifts inside, after greetings. Don't do it at the door.
• When you receive a gift: accept it with both hands. Don't open it in front of the giver unless they urge you to ⚪. This varies, and younger people often open gifts right away.

Being a Great Houseguest (Kichijōji)

• Entering:
  • Say "Ojama shimasu" ("Sorry to intrude").
  • Take off your shoes in the genkan (entryway) and step up without letting your socks touch the genkan floor.
  • Turn your shoes to face the door 🟡.
• Slippers:
  • House slippers are for hallways.
  • Take them off before stepping on tatami mats 🔴.
  • Switch to the separate toilet slippers in the bathroom, and never walk out wearing them. This is a classic foreigner mistake 🟡.
• The bath (ofuro):
  • Wash and rinse fully at the shower outside the tub before getting in 🔴.
  • The whole family often shares the same bathwater, so never drain the tub 🔴.
  • Guests are often offered the first bath. Accept graciously.
• Trash: sorting is strict and differs by city ward. Ask how they do it.
• Noise: walls are thin, so keep calls and video chats quiet, especially at night.
• Helping: offer to help with the dishes. If they refuse twice, accept and thank them.
• Pack well: clean socks with no holes. Your feet will be on display.

2. Dining Etiquette

Table Manners

Much of this will feel familiar from home, with a few Japan-specific twists.

• Before and after eating:
  • Say "Itadakimasu" before eating 🔴. Wait until the host or eldest says it first.
  • Say "Gochisōsama deshita" after eating, and again to the cook or host.
• Chopstick taboos 🔴 (both come from funeral rites):
  • Never stand chopsticks upright in rice. Same as in Vietnam.
  • Never pass food from your chopsticks to someone else's. This mirrors how cremated bones are passed at Japanese funerals.
• Shared dishes: Vietnamese family meals often have everyone picking from shared plates with their own chopsticks. At formal Japanese meals, use the serving chopsticks (toribashi) if provided 🟡.
  • Flipping your chopsticks to use the back end is a common workaround, but it's debated: some consider it unhygienic. When in doubt, ask for serving chopsticks or follow others.
• Resting chopsticks: put them on the rest (hashioki), or across your bowl if there's no rest. Don't point them at people or wave them around.
• Bowls: lifting your rice or soup bowl to your mouth is correct. Same as home.
• Noodles: slurping ramen or soba is fine, even expected.
• Finishing food: eat all your rice. Leaving food feels wasteful (mottainai) 🟡.
• Oshibori (wet towel): it's for your hands only. Wiping your face is common among older men, but it's seen as uncouth ⚪.
• Small courtesies:
  • Cover your mouth when using a toothpick.
  • Don't blow your nose at the table. Step away 🟡.

Formal Dinner with the In-Laws

• Seating: wait to be seated. The seat of honor (kamiza) is farthest from the door. If you're offered it, a light "Oh no, please…" and then accepting is gracious.
• Kneeling: at a low table, start in seiza (kneeling) until invited to relax. Men then usually sit cross-legged, and women usually tuck their legs to one side ⚪.
• A great line to use: "Ane ga itsumo osewa ni natte imasu" ("Thank you for always taking care of my sister"). This will land beautifully.

Paying & Tipping

• No tipping. Ever, in restaurants, taxis, or hotels. It can cause confusion or even be politely refused 🔴.
  • Exception (contested): at upscale ryokan, some guests give a kokorozuke, around ¥1,000–3,000 in a small envelope handed to the room attendant at the start of the stay. It is fully optional, and many modern ryokan don't expect it.
• Cash trays: at shops, put your cash or card in the small tray instead of handing it over directly 🟡.
• Restaurants: usually you pay at the register on the way out, not at the table.
• The farewell izakaya dinner: the in-laws may insist on paying. A thoughtful move is to arrange with your sister to pay quietly beforehand as your thank-you. Offer once or twice sincerely, but don't turn it into a tug-of-war at the table.

Drinking Customs

• Toast: wait for "Kanpai!" before drinking anything 🔴.
• Pouring:
  • Pour for others, never for yourself. Someone will refill yours 🟡.
  • Hold your glass up with both hands when someone pours for you, especially elders.
  • If you've had enough, leave your glass mostly full. An empty glass gets refilled.
• Declining: saying no to alcohol is fine. Just say "Oolong-cha de" (oolong tea for me).
• Izakaya basics:
  • Expect an otōshi, a small starter dish with a cover charge of about ¥300–600. It's normal, not a scam.
  • You can call staff with a moderate "Sumimasen!" or the call button. Don't shout like the Vietnamese "Em ơi!" 🟡.

3. Religious & Cultural Sites

Temples (Buddhist) vs. Shrines (Shinto)

Temples will feel familiar to you. Shrines are new territory.

• Dress: no formal dress code at either, but modest clothing is appropriate 🟡.
• Shoes: take them off where you see a step-up or a shoe rack.
• Shichi-Go-San season: in November, families bring kids aged 3, 5, and 7 in kimono to shrines. It's lovely to see, but ask before photographing children 🔴.
• Fushimi Inari:
  • Don't touch, lean on, or write on the torii 🔴.
  • Go early morning or hike past the halfway point to escape the crowds.
• Kiyomizu-dera: peak foliage season plus night illuminations means huge crowds. Go at opening time. November 23 is a national holiday, so expect even more people.

Photography

• Photos are usually banned inside halls, especially of statues and altars. Look for 🚫📷 signs 🔴.
• Outdoor grounds are generally fine. No flash or tripods near worshippers.
• Gion (Kyoto):
  • Never chase, block, or photograph maiko or geiko without permission 🔴.
  • Many private lanes in Gion are now closed to tourists, with posted signs and possible fines.

Ryokan & Onsen

• Yukata: wrap it left side over right. Right over left is how the dead are dressed 🔴. Tie the sash at your waist.
• Onsen steps:
  1. Bathe nude. No swimsuits 🔴.
  2. Wash thoroughly at the shower stations first 🔴.
  3. Tie up long hair so it stays out of the water 🟡.
  4. Keep your small towel out of the water. Put it on your head or on the edge 🔴.
  5. No splashing or swimming. Speak quietly.
• Tattoos: policies vary. Some onsen ban tattoos, some allow them if covered with stickers, and many ryokan offer private baths (kashikiri). If you have any tattoos, ask ahead.
• Tatami rooms: slippers off. Staff will lay out your futon while you're at dinner.
• Dinner timing: kaiseki dinner times are set, so be on time 🟡.

4. Public Behavior

Dress

• Everyday dress: Tokyo is stylish but not flashy. Kyoto leans a bit more conservative. Smart-casual works everywhere.
• Weather: late November is about 8–16°C (46–61°F) in Tokyo, and Kyoto mornings are colder. Bring layers.
• Shoes: wear shoes that slip off easily. You'll take them off constantly.
• For the in-laws' dinner: dress a notch up. Neat, modest, and muted colors.

On the Street & Trains

• Trains:
  • No phone calls 🔴. Keep your phone on silent ("manner mode").
  • Talk quietly, if at all.
  • Leave priority seats for those who need them.
• Eating while walking: frowned upon 🟡. Kyoto is stricter. Nishiki Market asks visitors not to, so eat at the stall.
• Trash: public bins are rare, so carry a small bag for your trash.
• Escalators: people stand on the left in Tokyo and the right in Osaka. Kyoto is mixed, so follow the crowd. Some cities officially ask everyone to stand still on both sides.
• Queues: line up neatly everywhere, including train platforms, where lines are marked on the floor 🔴.
• Masks: optional. Wearing one if you're sick is considerate.
• Nose-blowing: blowing your nose loudly in public is frowned upon ⚪.

Affection & Bargaining

• PDA: holding hands is fine. Kissing in public is uncommon and draws looks 🟡.
• Bargaining: don't haggle in stores 🔴. Prices are fixed.
  • Flea markets are the exception: gentle haggling is OK, for example at Kyoto's Tō-ji or Kitano Tenmangū monthly markets.
• Tax-free shopping: bring your passport when shopping in Shibuya and Shinjuku. Japan has been transitioning to a refund-at-departure system (planned around November 2026), so confirm the current process before you go.

5. Communication

Pronunciation Tip for Vietnamese Speakers

• Japanese has no tones, so speak evenly.
• Vowels are pure and short: a (ah), i (ee), u (oo), e (eh), o (oh).
• The "u" in desu and -masu is nearly silent ("dess," "mahss").
• Fun fact: many words share Chinese roots with Sino-Vietnamese. For example, chú ý (caution) is chūi in Japanese.

Key Phrases

Gestures

• Pointing: use an open hand, palm up, instead of one finger 🟡.
• Beckoning: palm down, fingers waving toward you. It looks like "go away" to Americans, but it means "come here."
• Pointing at your nose: means "me?"
• Arms crossed in an "X": "No" or "not allowed."
• Waving a hand in front of your face: "No, no" or modest refusal.

Reading Indirect "No"

• "Chotto…" ("It's a bit…"), trailing off, or "Kangaete okimasu" ("I'll think about it") usually mean no. Don't press.

Topics to Avoid

• Age, weight, income, and "When are you having kids?" These are common questions in Vietnamese family culture but intrusive in Japan 🔴.
• WWII history, including Japan's 1940s occupation of Vietnam, and territorial disputes with China or Korea 🔴.
• Politics, religion, and the Imperial family in critical terms 🟡.
• Comparisons that lump Japan together with China or Korea 🟡.
• Good topics:
  • Food. It's the ultimate icebreaker.
  • Autumn leaves.
  • Where to eat in Kichijōji.
  • Life in California.
  • Vietnamese food. Many Japanese people love bánh mì and phở.
• Be ready for questions about your background. Some people may be curious about being Vietnamese-American. Most are asking out of genuine curiosity.

6. Critical Taboos 🔴

• Chopsticks: don't stand them in rice or pass food chopstick-to-chopstick.
• Yukata: don't wrap it right over left.
• Baths: don't enter a bath or onsen unwashed, and don't drain the family tub.
• Floors: don't wear shoes or slippers on tatami, and don't walk out of the bathroom in toilet slippers.
• Tipping: don't tip.
• Trains: don't make phone calls or talk loudly.
• Gion: don't touch, block, or photograph geiko or maiko without permission.
• Sacred places: don't photograph inside temple halls where it's forbidden, and don't touch or climb on torii and statues.
• Gifts: avoid white chrysanthemums, and anything in sets of 4 or 9.
• Red ink: don't write someone's name in red. It's associated with the dead.
• Scenes: don't lose your temper or raise your voice in public. Staying calm matters more than being right.

✅ Quick Reference

🚨 Emergency Phrases & Numbers

• Police: 110 | Ambulance/Fire: 119
• Japan Visitor Hotline (24/7, English): 050-3816-2787

Tip: save your sister's address in Japanese on your phone. It's useful for taxis and emergencies.

One last thing: Japanese people are very forgiving of foreigners who are clearly trying. Your good manners, gifts, a few phrases, and warmth toward your sister's family will matter far more than getting every bow perfect. After the trip, send the in-laws a short thank-you note or photo through your sister. It's a lovely touch that will be remembered. Enjoy the autumn leaves! 🍁